End of a Relationship and the Mirage that is Heartbreak.

13 Nov

End of a Relationship and the Mirage that is Heartbreak

“I am romantic. I have a lyrical soul. I can love under the best and worst conditions.” I stand proud and not ashamed to admit or show that level of vulnerability. The older I get, the more I realize that emotional vulnerability is not a crutch, but strength, nor make you any less of a man. “I like being part of something that’s bigger than me, than I. It’s good for your soul to invest in something you can’t control.” I’ve found that I tend to gravitate towards and feel most like myself when I am around, and part of a community of like-minded individuals sharing many of the same struggles, sensibilities, and sentiments; who don’t allow others to strip their happiness away from them due to their lack of it.

Being the hopelessly hopeless romantic that I am I found nothing more beautiful and worthwhile than: love, relationships, and romance. There’s no better feeling than loving someone as much, if not more than you should or do yourself, and those sentiments are reciprocated. Where you think about their wants, thoughts, and needs, not because you have to, but because you want and choose too. The type of love where they’re the last person you want to talk to before bed and the first person you want to see or talk to the second you wake up. They’re you’re favorite hello and worst goodbye, that “It Takes Two” can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence, and World Series kind of love.

With that said, I was not always a true believer in and of love, or one to show much affection. That is, until I fell in love for the first time. Even then it was a struggle for me to emotionally open up, but once I did, and combined with that love we had for one another, I felt on top of the world and nothing could bring me down. The road block we all seem to run into is, as beautiful as love is, it can be just as devastating and demoralizing, if not worse. Love is amazing, but not all love is healthy, some run their course, fizzle, and don’t last forever. However, just because it didn’t last forever, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth your while. As powerful as love is, in the end, a relationship is always work; no matter how great it is.

Admittedly when my relationship with my first love came to an end I was devastated, it felt like my entire world came crashing down and crumbled in an instant. I hadn’t just lost the love of my life; I also lost my best friend. I didn’t know what to do, I’ve broken bones before, but I had never felt a pain like that. I thought it was all over, nothing else mattered, she was my end all be all. All I could think about doing was getting her back, nothing else. I wished I had someone that had told me, “Careful, kid. They’ll break your heart,” before getting involved, but looking back I’m glad there wasn’t. If it weren’t for her I might have never known what love was and is.

Fast forward to today:

My ideal woman is smart. She has a sense of humor, a short attention span, and is pretty savvy when it comes to technology, current events, and pop culture. She’s sarcastic and fun, but doesn’t like to waste time. I’m attractive to this type of woman because she is intelligent, pithy, and poignant. I love a well-spoken, articulate, intelligent woman; who’s a little weird and a little crazy. Where no one else sees what weird things I love about her and why I adore her so much, regardless of how physically beautiful she is, if there’s no substance then there’s no romantic future. I love someone that I can vibe with on the same intellectual wavelength and who can further more challenge me. There is nothing sexier than an intellectual conversation regardless of the simplicity of the topic. And oh she loves pasta, staying fit, and is my best friend.

My definition of my ideal woman was derived and was built from her, she was my ideal woman and she embodied all of the above and more. I thought nothing could top that; I couldn’t comprehend or accept the notion that it was at all possible. However, my definition has evolved as I’ve gotten older, had other relationships, and more experiences. I’ve realized it wasn’t as developed as it sounds or is today, which is due to that experience and the experiences that have followed since; which have helped to shape the person that I am today.

In most relationships your significant other is your entire world, especially when it comes to young love. So when it all comes to an end and you’re dealing with heartbreak the first thing most us believe is:

“I will never find another girl, like her.”

End of a Relationship and the Mirage that is Heartbreak.

“I will never find another guy like him.”

Yes, that’s true, you won’t, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing either. Reality is the relationship came to an end for a reason and when it’s all said and done; you will find and see the silver lining. In most cases it turns out to be a blessing in disguise. You have to allow time to tell. In the end, the both of you will end up better off for it. And if you’re lucky enough, which you most likely are, you will be a better person because of them. Though it’s true, it doesn’t mean you won’t ever find someone better and more suitable for you.

So what do you do when a relationship comes to an end?

End of a Relationship and the Mirage that is Heartbreak.

“Six letters, two words, easy to say, hard to explain, harder to do: Move On.”

Easier said than done right?

Though it may feel like it, realize that the end of a relationship doesn’t surmise or equate the end of the world. Some relationships and situations just can’t be fixed. If you try to force them back together, things will only get worse. Relationships don’t come to an end in an instance, there’s always a progression and build up to the end, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. Naturally we are blinded by the love that we do not see the signs or we choose to ignore them.

Of course it’s easier to say that looking back with hindsight. When a relationship comes to an end, the future without them in your life may look bleak at first, but it’s shining brighter than you know; you just have to truly want to lift the blinds up and let the healing begin. One of the reasons I believe stems from the fear of being alone, loosing what you know, and have come accustomed to. Yes you love them, but: Is it them that you love so much, or is it the idea of them, the idea of a relationship, and the daily routine that you’ve built, that you maybe love more?

We all tend to seek life and relationship advice from others, and when someone comes to me for advice; I usually start by saying and telling them:

“Anything that I tell you, in the end, you’re going to do what you want, but I will try to help in any way that I can and if advice is the moral support that you need, then I will provide you with that.”

So for those who are going through, have gone through, and will go through heartbreak and believe you will never find another “girl like her” or “guy like him,” here’s my advice to you:

Naturally it’s going to hurt, badly, and it’s going to be painful for a while, but the reality is you will have more heartbreak and you will most likely feel like that again and again. No matter how young or how old you are, love affects us all, and it affects us all differently. But the most important thing that you cannot forget is: You can and will always love again!

First thing you must do is accept that the relationship is really and truly over; once you do you can begin to move on.

Don’t allow the end, the pain, and the heartbreak to let you lose yourself. Start by putting things in perspective:

One: You’re alive and still breathing.

Two: There are other people in the world struggling just to survive.

Three: Life really could be worse.

I’m not trying to minimizing heartbreak from a breakup in anyway, I know, it’s not good place to be, but it’s a heal-able place; and most likely will reoccur and when it does you will be stronger, and look back on this one and think, “Why was I so upset again.” When you put things in perspective you then realize there a lot of people [guys and girls] in this world, literally and physically. You then realize that your definition of your ideal woman or man is just that, an “IDEAL.” Ideals can be met by many. Not saying or advising you to go seek them all out immediately after a breakup. Avoid doing so, because doing so right after a breakup is just an attempt at replacing them; ironically wouldn’t really aid in truly getting over them in the long run. Trying to replace someone is like putting on a Band-Aid, which as we know are temporary precautions, and have to eventually be removed or replaced. Additionally, you will be doing a disservice to yourself and to those who you get involved with. If you know it’s not going to work and it’s being forced, it’s only a detriment to the both of you. You shouldn’t be with someone just because you want to be in a relationship. Take and use that time to heal, doesn’t mean completely forget them because that will never happen, they’re forever imprinted in your heart.

You loved, that is not a loss, a loss would be to have never loved at all, and even better yet the blessing is you get the opportunity to love once again; you’re alive and still breathing. Release any bitter thoughts and feelings you have towards them, yourself, and others that come from the heartbreak. Don’t allow any hate or ill will towards them seep into or poison your soul. Doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be friends, wish them nothing, but the best, begin the healing process and it will free you even more. Just live your life neither for them nor for others, but for yourself. For any healthy relationship to stay healthy, you first have to be good to and love yourself. We are not perfect. We try things. We make mistakes. We stumble. We fall. We get hurt. We rise again. We try again. We keep growing. Love is one of our biggest hurdles in life, but the great thing about hurdles is: there’s always another one in front of you that you will clear and overcome.

Don’t over-analyze it by trying to put the pieces from the situation together in order to justify what could’ve or should’ve happened in an attempt at reconciliation. It’s now in and part of the past, that is where it belongs, should be left, and should not dwell on.

What you have to accept and understand, in most cases, is regardless if you’re the one doing the breaking or the one being broken up with, it does hurt the both you. When you’re the one being broken up with it’s hard to comprehend that it pains the other person as well. Remember it’s an end to something special that you both created, shared, and it’s hard to say goodbye to what was built together, even if you’re the one deciding to say goodbye. Breaking up with someone is not easy, it’s not a good feeling, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that you no longer care for the person; it just means that in some areas enough was enough. In your mind they’re breaking your heart, but that doesn’t mean they’re not heartbroken as well. Nor does it mean they’re not thinking the same thing that they will never find another “girl like you” or “guy like you.” Personally, as much as it hurts, I rather have someone breakup up with me, than stay with me just because they can’t bring themselves to hurt me. Relationships should be 50/50; two people should want to be together 100%, without any reservations, if otherwise they shouldn’t be together.

There’s no telling what the future holds, maybe the two of you rekindle that love again, but you cannot depend on that notion (or blind faith), accept that it is truly over, once you do so you can begin to move on. Maybe someone better comes along the way, which would have never had if you were still in that relationship. If you trick and force yourself to believing that you’re over them, when you are not, you’re then only delaying true healing. You have to want to move on, accept it out of want and not need, and be at peace with it; not until then will it naturally happen. You cannot give yourself fully to someone new if there is a piece of you and your love that still belongs to someone else.

If it weren’t for my first and past loves, and heartbreaks, I would have never had the chance to meet all the amazing people that have blessed my life, so I am truly indebted to them. I am a better person because of them and I would not change anything for the world. Great relationships, friendships, and memories came out of them. As painful as it was to say goodbye at times, looking back, they’re experiences, turned life lessons, which I had to go through.

You loved, then you have won. You are now better because of it, and it will only make the next relationship that you are in that much stronger. Remember, ideals are just ideals and can be met by others. When I lost my first love, I did lose faith in love, but I found it, or it found me, again and again. As well as heartbreak, but I continue to survive, continue to love, and I will never lose faith again in the power of the magic that is love.

Feeling defeated is often a temporary condition, giving up is what makes it permanent. Do not lose faith, remember you did have a life before them, and you do have a life after, so live that life for you, do not forget that you still have people in your life who also love you. So do not allow heartbreak from one person to strip your happiness away, that happiness you exude, which everyone around you who loves you wishes for you. You are responsible for how you feel no matter what someone does to you.

HEARTBREAK is a MIRAGE and LOVE is worth it.

Best advice is time, distance, acceptance, no bitterness, no animosity, and to love once again.

Photos By: Miiicha

Follow: @nerdinajock

4 Responses to “End of a Relationship and the Mirage that is Heartbreak.”

  1. Steven June 15, 2014 at 1:21 AM #

    Reblogged this on Steven's Blog and commented:

  2. brandycavalli February 15, 2015 at 7:02 PM #

    Reblogged this on The Pen Hustle and commented:
    This post is just a reminder for us hopeless romantics that love isn’t so bad after all and HEARTBREAK is a MIRAGE…

  3. lifeomedia December 7, 2015 at 10:25 AM #

    Reblogged this on LifeoMediaHindi.

  4. Daniel Frey December 28, 2016 at 12:35 AM #

    At fifty-six years old, there was no new information here for me. Still, It was a comfort to read at the end of a sweet two-year romance. I shall live to love again.

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